What’s it like to feel that way?

Left off with my blubbering and crying and upset.  It’s a skillset I’m getting really good at.  I spent that weekend crying, sad, emo, having a pity party. My family was out of town so I couldn’t even lay around in my parents bed and cry with my niece hanging out with me, my dad and mom looking after me, etc.  

In order to distract myself, I did some deep cleaning of their house.  With no one home, it was easy to keep mostly busy and be able to get my tasks done.  I’m one of the weird people that actually likes to clean. What I hate is that over the last 3 years or so my ability to clean my place (or in this case, my parents) in one fell swoop has fallen off.  Now I have to do a task, rest, do a task, rest, repeat repeat.  I find it very annoying.

Had hoped to be myself Monday but I still wasn’t.  After a boatload of research, and I do mean a boatload, I contacted the daughter of a friend who did an internship at the nearest hospital with a renowned joint replacement center.  She recommended 3 doctors (all, ironically from the clinic I had been referred to at my previous appointment.). I made an appointment (although I got a call on Friday that they need to reschedule…so that’s ok.  I’m really not up for hearing ‘no we can’t operate on your fat ass’ or whatever they are going to say anyway.

The whole last week has been kind of a fog for me.  Work has been busy and I ‘rewarded’ myself on Thursday but allowing myself to drive into the office. My whole groin has been so intensely hurting. I think the majority of people who end up with groin injuries are probably athletes and the like. Not all.  The first time I injured my groin was about 5 years ago or so after I tripped and fell at the pumpkin patch. My doctor just told me it would take a long time to get over because its one of those muscles that you can’t helped but need for every movement.  Anyway, it did eventually heal but in the last several years the groin pain has been a huge component of what I thought was back pain. 

I know now that the groin thing (aside from that one time when I fell) has been as a result of my hips. Unless you’ve ever strained a groin muscle, you cannot possibly know the intense, fiery pain that accompanies it. Every time you take a step, every single one is fraught with that same pain.

Friday my back and hip pain had reached a sort of fever pitch. Was just I don’t even know the right word to use because there are only so many words for terrible, awful, horrible.

I got a call on Friday that I had a flower delivery to my apartment. One of my friends sent them to me, a totally awesome surprise.  Hell the last time I got flowers, I had an organ removed! 

Ended up deciding to go out to dinner and have a drink, read a book.  The pathetic one at the bar, but it was still fairly early.  Just didn’t want to go home alone. So, I did just that. Met a few guys at the bar and ended up talking with them the whole time so I didn’t look quite as pathetic.

I think what I find most interesting about chronic pain, at least for me is…wondering about other peoples pain. Not that I ever want to have to deal with it first hand, but I wonder sometimes what the pain from non-bone diseases are like.  For instance, people who cancer, what is that pain like? I know it’s horrendous, but is it the same as the pain I feel when I try to walk? Or when I move abruptly? Probably a rather morbid thing to wonder about but I do.

One of the the questions my 7 year old niece asked me several times yesterday was ‘when is our next sleepover?’ It’s been about a month since she spent the night and I hate to even say this but as I rebuffed her desire to spend the night until next weekend (and man was she ever angling to spend the night last night); all I could think about was that I’d have to crawl on the floor and play with her.

It isn’t that I don’t want to be on the floor to play with her, not at all.  I realize how little time I’ll have with her until she’s too cool to hang out with me. One of her favorite things is to play Barbie Dreamhouse with me.  Yes, i have an actual Barbie Dreamhouse for my niece.  it’s setup in my living room.  Awesome, right? Well, half the battle is getting onto the floor, the other half is getting up off the floor.  It’s so painful, and in order to do it, I have to sort of go from a sitting position to on my knees and crawl over to the ottoman and support and lift myself, then use the balls of my feet to do the rest of the work.  So to say the least it isn’t fun. The issue becomes doing that more than once in a weekend. Or hell, more than once a day. Inevitably I have to break her heat and bargain with her when I can’t fathom doing it again. I feel incredibly guilty about it.

Anyway tentatively, she’ll be with me next weekend and I’ll have to just deal with the pain. Plus I’ve promised her a trip to a cool playground near my place so there’s enduring standing around on uneven ground for a while until she gets bored or whatever. Yea, going to be a great one.

Going to end this for now. I’m feeling highly cynical and a little angry tonight

 

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About limpalongwithme

Quasi geek, social butterfly, information sponge, lover of spas and I spend my days dealing with major chronic back and hip pain. Recently diagnosed with dysplastic hips as a grown woman and I need a place to talk about it as I try to move forward.
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One Response to What’s it like to feel that way?

  1. Dave says:

    Thanks for sharing.

    Could you pretend that Barbie has a high rise condo, and play with the toys on the table or couch?

    Have a great week!

    Wounded footed Dave

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