I think a heavy sigh about sums up life right now.
Pain sucks. I do not wish chronic pain on anyone. It’s exhausting. It’s daunting. It’s often impossible to think of anything except just how much pain is there. It’s really no way to live. To say that my quality of life is diminished is the understatement of the year.
Of course you’ve already read this from me before. You’ve heard assorted whining and complaints. Mostly I try to keep it inside but my face is a dead giveaway any time someone looks at me.
I’ve been having a lot of trouble with my pain patches. The last 2 came off after 3 days. When the integrity of the patch is compromised something happens and they become very hard and stiff and if I try to re-attach them with tape they agitate my skin in a big way. The one on now is on my upper arm and so far seems secure. I put a piece of opaque medical tape over the logo. Lol. I don’t want people all in my business trying to see what kind of patch I have on. Since it’s summer, short sleeves or sleeveless shirts and dresses are the majority of my wardrobe. If I have to put my patches in visible areas I will even though I’d prefer not to. Just not sure why they haven’t been staying on. I even taped over the last one to keep it secure but I do have an adhesive allergy and the tape made me itch like a fiend. The damn patches work when they stay on but since they haven’t it’s been a pretty miserable month. I am not happy.
About 2 weeks ago I was on the metro and the train lurched unexpectedly and my right hip popped out of the socket (I have no x-ray proof this happens, but it damn sure feels like it does inside). Usually I’m sitting down or at least in a place I am stable before the train moves but in this case, I was walking to a seat and it started. Big mistake. It happened so fast I sort of collapsed onto the seat just so I would not fall.
Since then it’s been pretty much a downward spiral. The pain overwhelms me so much I feel like throwing up. As good as I felt last month, I feel bad this month and that sucks. For the last 2 weeks my pain steadily has been a 9-10. Although, sometimes I wonder if I know what a 9-10 really is. I know they say a 10 is unbearable pain and that’s where I seem to stay. It would seem after all this time my body would know how to adjust and bring that down. Anyway.
I see my doctor on Thursday at which point I expect to beg for shots in my hips and back. I’ll do that knowing it may not do a lot long term but if it can help me get ahead of the pain then I’ll be happy. Right now it is literally everything I can do to just stay awake; the pain has me that exhausted.
Of course making things worse is that over the weekend I had my niece and we were with a friend of mine (and my nieces’ cute little boyfriend) and we went to a local resort/convention center/hotel for a kids weekend. Fortuitous timing really since a big storm knocked out my power! The hotel was so enormous and there was so much walking. Within the first half hour there I could tell I had gotten myself into too much. Several times I had to ask them to continue an activity without me because I needed to rest. I was very much limpy and gimpy. I feel so awful that I’m not more easily mobile for my niece. I want to be more active for her and with her but it’s not possible right now. I know that *one* day I’ll have my hips replaced and my back will hold up and I’ll be able to be that person. It’s just getting it done. Oh and having the time off of work for it. I have at least a few more months like this and it’s overwhelming.
The worse pain I have the worse I feel. The worse I feel the less nice I am and the less my friends want to be around me. Just a week or so ago I found out that 2 of my friends elected to plan a baby shower without me because of my hips and back pain issues. That super hurt my feelings.
I feel like I’m mourning my hips, my personality, my friendships, my sister, my entire life as I once knew it. Well shit now I’ve started crying. Enough of this. I have work to get done.
Wish me luck on Thursday. I just want a few pain free hours, even if I’m asleep.