I have work to do but I can’t get comfortable and it occurs to me I haven’t written to complain or otherwise discuss in a while.
I saw (aherm, forced) myself into an appointment 3 days earlier than planned in August because my pain was at def con 1 trillion and I didn’t want to spend my birthday in pain. And for selfish reasons, I was hoping Antonio Banderas would fulfill my wish for birthday sex and I wanted to be limbered up.
A few lessons learned: 1) Antonio was a no-show (nor was anyone else); 2) my doctors other office is wretched. The table to get on is so high off the ground it took forever trying to get up there. At the usual office it’s low to the ground and they raise it electronically.
Imagine being half naked….they say just to unzip your pants and slip them half down your hips. Just tell me to undress from the waist down. Honestly, it is so undignified to be on my knees (which btw were killing me after crawling around on the floor playing with my niece) and trying to get my pants down juuuust enough so the xray machine wouldn’t interfere with my zipper. Oh and when I was done and finally ready? Had to pull them down more. But by that point I was already in position with a pillow under my hips and…look, dude, I’m already at a disadvantage. I’m half naked I’d rather have a pap smear at this point than feel you tugging my pants and panties ‘just a smidge’. From now on: I’m wearing a dress and going commando. 3)I should know those stupid shots IF they work always take a few days. So basically I spent my birthday (which was the next day) in pretty much agony but I sucked it up and dealt with it.
Part of the reason my pain had gotten so bad was that my patches (poor sad bastards) had run out. It really has become sort of a science project with me. I was without pain patches or anything else and life sucked. There is only so much motrin can do. Actually there’s nothing motrin can do. I do take it sometimes thinking it will help but whatever. Which, I didn’t realize I could have any kind of withdrawal with the patches because of the way they’re designed but that’s not true. I felt like shit for a few days and finally put 2 and 2 together.
I also got drug tested at my last appointment (which they do periodically) and I got a stern talking to about trying to take anything on back of my patches. Grrrr.
Anyway he gave me a low dose of a narcotic with 20 pills for ‘breakthrough’ pain. Yea. While I did appreciate the effort it’s kind of like using an umbrella during a hurricane. It’s there…but that’s it.
As he shot my back up I told him I just need to get AHEAD of the pain because the number of panic attacks brought on by pain is ridiculous. And it’s not just that, I don’t want to do anything. Anything. I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to do a damn thing. He shared my frustration and said he felt the biggest issue for me is that my pain is in multiple places and I can only get assorted shots at a certain interval and it has to be really decided where to put it at that moment. I think he genuinely understands the nature of the assorted pain. It was nice for him to say he understood the locations and the frustration I felt with trying to get any single aspect under control
We discussed the amount of stress and things that have happened this year making my pain worse (totally true and viable).
I actually ended up with about 5 days or so with level 5 pain. WOW. I haven’t had a 5 in…years! The downside was that those days didn’t take place until almost a week after the shots but It was still amazing!!! It was sort of all the sudden ‘holy crap I can walk without much of a limp’. Ahhh even now thinking about it reminds me how lovely it was.
Of course the last day of that I woke up and felt pretty much paralyzed. Since then my pain has been pretty high pretty consistently. Right now I’m putting off going downstairs to get a drink because I hurt so much.
OH and I had to literally beg him for a prescription for Naproxen. My right knee was so awful it was wretched. I asked him to feel it, it was quite swollen so he gave me a week supply of Naproxen (which, I can’t help but wonder if that is part of the reason I had such a good week). IT’S NAPROXEN. I didn’t ask for medical marijuana or crack! He acted like I wanted something horrible. Jesus. That pissed me off. I know that stuff isn’t good for your stomach but I haven’t been on a consistent dose anti-inflammatory in a while now. I think a month on would be a good thing at this point.
He’s a relatively young doctor and I appreciate his concern not to be a ‘drug pusher’ kind of doctor but honestly, it’s naproxen.
I see him later this week and I’ve been doing some reading. There are some specific non-narcotic type pills he can use on breakthrough pain with me with. But it’s obvious I need something more than a baby dose at this point. I cannot function.
Guess we’ll see at my appointment. What I can’t deal with are panic attacks brought on by pain, or having to take days off works or telework because I can barely get out of bed. It’s humiliating on so many levels.
Anyone who has dealt with chronic pain probably knows the pain that is asking for medication. I was embarrassed asking for naproxen. So instead do I sit back and just accept pain that elevates more and more? I feel stuck. I feel like the patches help but I need help still. Anyway.
OOH and there’s a damn hurricane coming up the coast so for the next week my pain is going to be a beast. Not looking forward to that. I already know I won’t be getting a shot. The young Doc told me he didn’t want to overshoot the injections because he was concerned I’d already had too many.
Just last week I was trying to clean my apartment and my hip popped out and and then out again. I nearly collapsed to the floor in agony. I truly worry that one day I’ll fall and won’t be able to stand. The upside is I do have a decent amount of upper body strength but I don’t want to abuse that for fear I’ll injure something I need to help me be mobile.
You know what I was just thinking about? Of course not, it was i my head. But I was at another office last week chatting with a friend of mine who is a loely single lady and we discussed our perpetual spinsterhood and I blurted out that I wouldn’t date me because if I saw my fat limpy ass walking down the street I’d run the other way. First, I can’t believe that even came into my head and second, wow. But that was my gut reaction. I hate that. Would love a date. A reason to shave my legs, be able to wear heels again. Man.
I think if this appointment I don’t feel better about things or like he can offer me something else to help then it might be time to move on. I don’t want to change practices. I truly don’t. I just need another 3 months or so until I can get my hips replaced (God willing and the creek don’t rise) and I need to be able to live a little better.
So I’m going to try and work on being more calm, trying to stress less and see if he can put me back on an anti-inflammatory or something to boost the patches. Guess I’ll see what Thursday brings. Wish me luck.