Like a screwdriver in the rear end

It’s the end of the month which means that it’s about time to see my pain doc again.  I literally cannot wait to get shots. It seems like around the 6 week mark is when I notice a serious need for them. By 8 weeks it’s too much.

This past month has been difficult.  I had a few days of amazing pain relief, and I do mean amazing.  Then it dropped off like I hadn’t taken anything. The only difference in continuing to take it was that my re-coup time remained improved. For instance, let’s say I walk from the office to the metro in the afternoon. By the time I get home I need to sit down for a good hour and rest. Continuing the dose while I have no perceptible pain relief, my ability to get back up and move has dropped considerably.  Did end up calling his office and was told I could double up and see how that worked. It was pretty much the same…a tiny bit better but not enough to really get pain relief even close to what it was before.

Of course doubling up meant I ran out quicker. Greaaaat. His office suggested I move my appointment up a week but when I considered it…I changed my mind. First of all, the meds aren’t helping that much. I need shots and he and I need to discuss a different dosing.  I’m able to do pretty well with my patch but it’s not enough. Many days the patch will keep me at an 8 which is horrible to most everyone but DAMN SURE better than a 10.

Speaking of 10, last week I had to switch trains. I prefer to sit because my center of gravity is off, I have terrible balance and my hips like to pop out. I didn’t feel like waiting 6 more minutes, plus I had to use the bathroom so I gauged the number of people on the train and decided I’d get a seat likely at the following stop.  Wrong.

I stood the whole way…and 2 stops after I got on the train had to pause because the next station had a train on the platform. The stupid train operator kept moving the train forward then it would roll back then forward and back and this went on about 6 times. I tried to steady myself against it, but no such luck. POW.  Right hip jumped ship.  I was practically in tears it hurt so badly.  And the worst is that a seat was about to free up (Because of my big hippededness I don’t like to sit with people, I prefer a seat alone, AND THEN someone can sit with me if they like. I hate infringing on someone’s seat space); but the assface adjacent to it, the MOMENT the seat freed up he moved into it…even though he was comfortable in the seat he was in.  He was seated next to a woman who was average size, as was he. She looked clean and business like.  Wasn’t like he was sitting next to a homeless smelly person.  I glared at him the entire way home. Asshole.

Oh and there are different kinds of train cars all have some seats designated for handicap/special needs/elderly. Those seats are closest to the door. I try to never, ever sit at those because I would INSTANTLY get up for an elderly person, pregnant lady, someone who was gimpy with assistive device. And, in one case I gave up my handicap seat because I thought a girl was blind but turned out she had a curtain rod.  Lol.  But many assholes (and I say that because people are self-centered jerks sometimes) won’t get up for those in more need. ANYWAY…those seats are vertical to the wall of the train car, versus the others which are horizontal.  I prefer them (but not the handicap ones) because they’re close to the door and I’m gimpy, sometimes it takes me a few seconds to get up and going off the train. The train is only at the station for 10-20 seconds, max and I don’t want to miss my stop. Anyway last week I noticed I have to stop sitting on those vertical seats because when I was going home on Friday the pressure the forward movement caused on my right hip was unbearable. Sorry about the lengthy digression.

Oh and since I’m digressing here, not sure if I wrote about this already but a few weeks back I was paused at the top of a small set of stairs, maybe 5 stairs. Really, I was bracing myself to walk down them and then another VERY long block to my building then all the way down the hall and my office is at the far end of the suite.  Sigh. Well as I stood there composing myself a young woman stopped and asked if she could assist me down the steps.

Insert a flood of embarasssment and tears inside

It was extremely sweet of her to offer and I did appreciate it, I thanked her but no.  How humiliating.  I’m 39 and I walk like I’m 69 or 89.

OK so where was I? So last week, hip all jacked up. Decided I could brave the commute and didn’t drive in. Big mistake.  I keep thinking it will get better, I’ll just plunge through it and it’ll all work out.  But it doesn’t.  And it won’t.  Not until these damn things are replaced.

And now with my left knee jacked up too..well..yea. I finally got x-rays done so he’ll have the results for my appointment this week. I need him to put me back on naproxen. Not sure why he seems so anti naproxen or any anti-inflammatory but I know my body and I have fewer knee issues when I’m on it. No, it doesn’t fix anything but it helps keep my some of my pain down.

This weekend I was practically paralyzed. I did stuff, I worked, I cleaned and man…yea I need several days off to just lay around.

I got home Saturday night to discover some Chinese restaurant and some pizza place had put menus under the door. I hate this more than anything for one reason: I have to bend over and pick them up. Some days I just sort of slide them away from my door and leave them to pick up for another time. Lol. Pathetic.

While I don’t want any of my friends or loved ones to have this feeling, I wish everyone could spend a day in my body so they’d understand. I hate complaining, I do. I’ve probably ostracized most of my friends with my bitching. I rarely want to do things because everything depends on how I’ll feel that day. I have to make plans ahead of time and I hate to commit to something when I have no idea if I’ll even be able to walk on the day in question. So the friends I do have here have stopped inviting me places, and it’s understandable. I’d stop too. It just sucks, that’s all. It feels like people assume I’m exaggerating. And sure, sometimes I do…like when I say I hurt so much I’m going to punch someone. I would never do such. But when I’m sitting here holding in using the bathroom because I can’t force myself to get up from my seat and the moment I do get up from my seat, my entire body shakes with a surge of pain that would be a 10+ then…yea.

Anyway I’m all teary eyed now. Damnit. Right now as I sit here it feels like someone has a screwdriver right in the middle of my right buttock and is digging it around and around.  It’s constant and as a result my right leg has been numb and painful.  And THAT is just while I sit.  Fun times

I think the new medication has potential. I think he needs to figure out the right dosing. I understand his reluctance especially since we’ve discussed at length several factors on what I do and do not want to be on and why. I hate asking for pain medicine of any kind; damn he acted like I wanted a prescription for crack when I asked for naproxen.  WTF? I can’t do this anymore, not like this.  I’m not suicidal just suffering with no support.  Yes, my family is helpful but I don’t live with them and they have their own things to deal with.

Anyhoooooo I have things to get done. Will be an early bedtime tonight, I’m exhausted!  Thanks for reading; wish me luck at my next appointment.

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About limpalongwithme

Quasi geek, social butterfly, information sponge, lover of spas and I spend my days dealing with major chronic back and hip pain. Recently diagnosed with dysplastic hips as a grown woman and I need a place to talk about it as I try to move forward.
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2 Responses to Like a screwdriver in the rear end

  1. Steph says:

    I don’t know if this will help you any, but you know you can buy naproxen over the counter right? It’s what I’ve had to resort to doing since my neurologist is being such a douche. Ex-neurologist I should say, since I fired him last week. I didn’t know you could buy it over the counter until someone told me.

  2. Mel says:

    Okay, I had SO MANY thoughts while reading this…. I hope that I cover them all.

    First, I could have WROTE your paragraph about friends. I have lived and felt all of these things. I can’t even keep a frickin VOLUNTEER job, because that is how unreliable I am. The only reason I have anywhere to go that is a semblance of work, is because my boss is my best friend and understands if I tell her that I am not going to be able to DO ALMOST ANYTHING at work that day. It is hard for people to understand, because until you experience chronic pain, you just have NO IDEA what it is like.

    Do you remember years ago when we blogged at Multiply and I talked about The Spoon Theory? Sometimes it helps to refer people to that. It is the best way I have EVER been able to describe what it is like. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

    Secondly, I know I have said this before, but… you are your best advocate. I don’t care if your doctor acts like you are a crack addict. Let me tell you, it isn’t the last time it is going to happen. You just have to suck it up. You know that you aren’t a crack addict, so fuck him. Or switch doctors until you find someone who recognizes you are truly miserable. Just like friends, there are certain doctors that will just never be able to empathize.

    Thirdly, time to start taking whatever fucking seat you want in the metro. Sometimes, you might need a handicap seat MORE than a blind person! It is ok to take a handicap seat. Trust me… I have to remind myself this every time I take a handicap parking space.

    Lastly, I wish you would not have felt ashamed when that girl offered to help you. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to accept help from strangers. Trust me, after the initial shame, you BOTH will feel better. You, because someone just cared enough to make your life easier and them, because they made a difference in someone’s life. Don’t let someone miss their chance to do something good!

    OMG. I wrote a comment so long it is almost a blog. SORRY!

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