Lingering Angst

Tuesday. 2 more days until I see my “pain” doctor. I use quotation marks because as far as I’m concerned he’s no more a pain doctor than I am a rocket scientist.

I have something called Piriformis syndrome which is not a huge deal, lots of athletes get it (obviously, I’m not one of them). In a nutshell it’s the sciatic nerve is compressed, twisted or otherwise compromised and causes a deep pain down the leg originating in the buttock. Let me tell you. Ouch. OUCH. At least I know there’s a name for the feeling when it feels like someone has shoved a screwdriver into my ass cheek.  It is resolvable and certainly not life threatening just really, really painful.

He gave me a specific kind of shot directed at that, uses less steroid and therefore better for me.*Sidenote: when my hips were x-rayed at the surgeons office way back a few months ago he asked if I had taken steroids for any length of time because even with hip dysplasia and weight there was no way they should look as bad as they did. I could only think of a few times I’d been on Prednisone in my entire life but now I’m wondering if all these shots did catch up with me and advance the deterioration?* He said if this didn’t work then he’d do (if I agreed) something called Radiofrequency Ablation.  I’ve done some reading on it. Sounds scary but then so does having a giant needle stuck in your back (especially with the recent meningitis scare).

The last shot seemed to work a little but not much so on Thursday I’ll have the RFA done.

This coming weekend is the big pumpkin patch day; the one day of the year I look forward to. A couple friends and their kids come, it’s a day of activities, fair type foods, pig races (don’t ask), pumpkin canons, corn maze and the day ends with a hayride where we all pick out our pumpkins. I am damned determined to make this day enjoyable. Last year I spent most of the day parked on whatever horizontal surface could accommodate me. Hay stack, picnic table, whatever.

I know it’s been about 2 weeks but I’m still so positively livid about my last appointment. I’ve searched and searched some more for another doctor and it doesn’t look promising. Having to begin again with MRI’s and x-rays and lab tests…more time off work…even the idea is exhausting. More than anything I just want someone to look at my treatment history and say ‘yes, I would do the same thing, or no I think this might help more.’

And something I didn’t note (I don’t think) in the last blog was about his desire not to try anything new for pain because in 4 months (or whenever) it will be harder for my body to come off of them. Excuse me? There’s a class of drugs made specifically to not be considered a true narcotic but is used for deep, chronic pain…but you don’t want me to have to worry about trying to come off of them…when I have my hips replaced? So…better I suffer for 4 more months than have to worry about dealing with coming off any meds? You’re an inconsiderate ass.

I’m afraid of going to this appointment because there is a very good chance I will not be able to hold my tongue; that I will break down and cry the moment I look at him. I despise his very being. I don’t even like to think of his name.  It’s weird that I’m filled with so much rage and anger over this but it feels so personal, feels like such an attack. He can’t fix me so I’m a lost cause for him. I’m a waste of his 10 minutes or whatever office time he deigns to give me. And because of those circumstances, he will placate me with an occasional shot, a prescription for patches and the reminder that my only salvation is having my hips replaced and that I need to *find* the time.


About limpalongwithme

Quasi geek, social butterfly, information sponge, lover of spas and I spend my days dealing with major chronic back and hip pain. Recently diagnosed with dysplastic hips as a grown woman and I need a place to talk about it as I try to move forward.
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