Thought I’d work on a blog since I’m feeling all sick about tomorrow’s appointment.
Finally. The hip surgeon.
Not the jackwagon who looked at my body physiology and said he couldn’t do a thing with me. I’m very hippy (hahaha) but really, I’m pear shaped so I carry most of my weight in my butt/hips/thighs. He said he cuts from the side/back area and with my body shape he could not operate on me. Thinking about it, really if I lost 70 pounds I would still be shaped this way and it would be difficult to be operated on.
Anyway he recommended a well-known clinic that was recommended to me by not only someone I dated who had surgery with one of the clinics surgeons but also the daughter of a friend who is a nurse; she did a rotation with the clinic while in nursing school and spoke highly of them.
I did a lot of research looking at the different doctors at the clinic. As it turns out the hospital nearest me is a big and relatively well-known joint replacement hospital. They have a special table for the anterior approach hip replacement that’s supposed to be pretty special. The approach from the front allows them to cut between the muscles and allows for a quicker recovery time and smaller incisions. Despite my shape, the flattest part of me is right across the widest part of my hips (I know, makes no sense) But you can feel my hip bones without even trying because I’m flat enough there. Anyway all that to say that I think if can find a surgeon who operates through the front and not side then maybe I’ll be ok.
Work has been so busy…so incredibly busy that I’ve put the appointment out of my head. Then I realized I hadn’t filled out the giant stack of paperwork that has been taking up real estate on my coffee table for 3 weeks.
Last week I was leaving my apartment building and I tripped and fell on a rug in the vestibule. Falling is literally my worst nightmare. As a child I broke bones and aside from a minor inconvenience and a canvas for people to draw on with markers, it wasn’t a big deal. As an adult it is absolutely terrifying for me to think about breaking a bone.
As I was falling, I did that thing where I tried to catch myself and gauge how I could lessen the impact. The good side was that I didn’t break anything. The bad thing is that I definitely did do something to my back and or hip. It’s bad enough that since October or November my pain has increased and my ability to walk has diminished greatly; add to that the fall last week and now life is peachy keen.
My mood has just been so crappy since the New Year. I pledged to myself to stay away from toxic men so the men who at least provided some entertainment aren’t around. Mostly. Lol.
At work I’ve been so completely swamped that for the most part I don’t have time to focus on the pain or the sad stuff. But in those moments where I’m not so swamped I can’t function, the bad stuff floats back up to the top. Oh and work…our offices are moving back to where our headquarters is located and it’s going to happen sooner rather than later. The issue is that the location where headquarters is so hilly. So so so hilly. A few days there for meetings and I can’t walk. It’s just miserable. Not only is it hilly, but they’re uneven hills and stumbly cobblestone. It’s bad for someone without bad hips!
Back to the stack of paperwork…anyway I shut down the laptops and tackled the paperwork. For the most part, standard stuff, all about your family history, your medical issues, allergies, pain, why are you visiting our office etc.
And of course then there’s the part about the emergency contact. Mine? Dad. Always dad. I always put dad because I don’t think my mom could function if something happened. Of course, I am not sure my dad could either but whatever.
Then it reminded me of being alone and the lonely that overwhelms. I know, I know I’m feeling sorry for myself. Trying not to. 2013…not supposed to feel sorry for myself. I was texting with one of my girlfriends the other night about things and the memory was fresh in my head…and then putting my dad as my emergency contact brought it all back again…of how sad that feels.
A couple years ago I had some issues that required some medical treatment, stuff that no one wants to face. All the ladies in the waiting room had men with them – presumably husbands. I was there alone. Just me and a book. Just me and a book and the thought that even though I wouldn’t want someone ‘wasting’ their time by hanging around in a doctor’s office for me, that I really would want that. And I’ve never had it.
And of course sitting here thinking about surgery reminds me of a surgery I had years and years ago where I was basically alone in the hospital for a week. My then-fiancé couldn’t be off work for a week to hang out in the hospital with me. My friends all worked. It was (at the time) the worst pain I’d ever had (except kidney stones…kidney stones trump everything). And all I can think is that I’m going to have my hips replaced and I’m going to feel like shit and I’ll be stressed out because my mom will complain I’m having it a hospital that’s inconvenient and so I won’t want the family coming to visit me.
If my insurance pays for it, and the doctor agrees, I think I’ll just go to a rehab facility for the first few weeks.
I know…I know…I’m ‘story telling’. Predicting stuff that hasn’t happened and likely won’t. Assuming the worst and expecting it too. So not me. Or not who I used to be. I wonder at which point I can’t call upon the ‘old’ me because it’s been so long since old me has reared her head?
Think it’s time for bed. I’m sleepy, mentally drained and physically exhausted. Wish me luck tomorrow. Not sure how good my game face is these days so…but if I can at least hold it together until I leave the appointment. Ugh, knock it off, Pammy. Everything will be alright.