Apparently I’m just going to blog the crap out of my life until February 20. I’d do VLOGs since they’re far more entertaining but let’s be realistic: I’m only really funny when drinking and since I can’t remember the last drink I had…yea. Lame. Oh wait, it was Thanksgiving when my best friend her fam came to visit. She’s a bad influence. I blame her.
Had a lot of work to get done today and worked like I was going to be punched in the face every time I stopped. Only then I discovered at the end of the day when I went to transfer files from one computer to another that there was a file compatibility issue….so…after some swearing in multiple languages I found a conversion tool then spent an hour doing that and decided I was done. My boss is so good to me, and I feel like I let him down. I feel like I let my team down and basically like everything I touch turns to shit.
Add to that we’ve got horribly cold weather up here and the every other day its rainy or icy or snowy. I’m terrified of falling so I’m trying not to venture out. Basically I’m a hobbit who only eats one breakfast. Two if you could brownies as second breakfast.
I would have thought that by today everything would have settled in but no. I spent the day alternating between work and crying jags. Then staring at my apartment wishing I had the energy to get up and vacuum. Also: the maintenance people installed a new dishwasher and they totally left a dirty mess on my kitchen floor so while crying as I heated up some chicken noodle soup, I swept and then spent 3 solid minutes considering sweeping everything into the dining room carpet OR attempting to bend over and use the dust pan. It’s kind of funny when you’re gimpy how every single thing changes. Everything. I stare at everything in a new way. I shun businesses with poor accessibility. I avoid situations where I may or may not be able to function.
I’ve developed this skill where I can literally suck in my abs and walk with a minimal limp/gimp..but the trick is I can only do this walk for maybe 15-20 feet or until I have to take a breath. Hahaha. I’ve done this when passing my ex bf or any guy I want to look less gimpy in front of.
So back to today. Crying jags thinking about work. Crying jags thinking about the amount of deep cleaning I need to do before surgery. Crying jags when I realized it is only 3 weekends away. Crying jags when mom brought up having me stay at their place for 2 weeks. I love my family, I really do. My niece alone is my reason for living. But I can’t relax and heal there. The moment I walk in the door my blood pressure sky rockets and y anxiety levels are heightened. I told my mom I’d make the decision once I met with the surgical joint team…at which she accused me of lying to them so I would not need to stay with them. How dare she know me? I totally will lie too. Or not. Who knows? Guess it depends on what they say. Her concern is that they’ll be 30 miles away. My options around here for emergency help are limited. Should I call my ex-boyfriend and have him come take me to the ER at 2 am? I’m guessing that won’t work. Or maybe the Creepy Spy Guy when he’s not doing creepy spy stuff he can take me to the hospital? Not likely on either. Just a lot to think about. I can feel my anxiety skyrocketing right now.
Tomorrow is the one day of the week I usually see my boss (lucky, right? Haha actually my boss is great and I wouldn’t mind seeing him every day) I need to bring this up with him so we can come up with a plan. I’ve already figured out where I can re-allocate things at least for a few weeks while I recuperate.
When my best friend had her hip replaced I got down to stay with her the day she got home from the hospital and then aside from drive her to one PT appointment she basically did whatever the hell she wanted and went wherever the hell she wanted and didn’t need me. I’d like to think that I’d be doing the same except that if I think in realistic terms, I have another super jacked up hip, and a bad knee on that side and then to make matters worse, my back. Maybe I won’t be superwoman. Can you believe that?
And it’s a bad feeling because on one side I want help and desperately DON’T want help. I feel like there’s nothing more annoying than someone hovering waiting for you to need something. Ugh. I need to stop overthinking. And I guess that’s the point of blogging. Random mental diarrhea. Anywhoo…Iron chef America is on which means it’s time for bed. Ooh and mom just called to say my business is closed for a 3 hours delay tomorrow. Which means: no staff meeting. Whaaaaaaat???!!! I may be happier about that than I should be.
My brain is a special kind of work out between worrying about surgery, life, work and everything in between. Hope you have a good evening and sweet dreams wherever you are.