So much on my mind the last few days.
The biggest thing I’m worried about right now is my future lab work. The surgeon was quick to warn me that he wouldn’t do surgery if my labs weren’t good. I promised to eat and rest and take care of myself. That was Friday.
I thought I’d been doing a good job. Saturday I went shopping with my mom and niece, then went grocery shopping with my dad and uncle and ended the evening taking my niece and nephew out for frozen yogurt. It was on the way to the Frozen Yogurt place that my body gave out. It is so frustrating…more than you can imagine. By the time we got back to my parents house my dad took one look at me and insisted I lay down before attempting to drive home.
I napped for an hour, then folded my laundry and headed back home. I spent my entire drive home freaking out because my new hip hurt. Perhaps not even hurt so much as that fact I could feel it. It’s not unusual for me to feel it for a day or so after the surgeon has messed around deep inside my hip. I had felt the residuals from my Friday appointment into early Saturday but after all the walking I’d done it was so intense. I e-mailed my best friend who had her hip replaced two years ago and she assured me if I had really messed it up the pain would be unbearable. It was painful but not killing me. I’ve had much worse.
Sunday and Monday I was exhausted. I’m certain it was from the movement of Saturday. It kills me that I get tired so easily. Not like I was ever going to run a marathon but damn…I should be able to do more than a few trips to the store in one day and be able to function. If I complain about being tired at the clinic they remind me all my bodies energy is going to heal my wound whether I want it to or not. Doing things outside my norm are going to tire me out.
I can’t wait until this is all a distant memory and I can do things without thinking about them so much in advance. I was cleaning off my hard drive (getting a new PC at work, yay!) and found a picture from 2008 when I did the Walk for Autism with my family and a group of friends. It was only a few miles – maybe 2.5. Thinking about walking that now is like a death march. There’s no way. I remember my dad took video during the walk and I saw how much I limped…I was mortified. Had I known back then that it was my hips and not my back I would have had them replaced then. I was younger and probably healthier.
One day. Not today, not tomorrow, not even next year. But one day I will walk those 2.5 miles. I’ll do another walk. I’ll have my strength and my life will stop feeling like I’m spinning my wheels. It was such a perfect day. Early November. The air was crisp, sun shining, leaves falling off the trees, DC was beautiful.
Anyway yesterday afternoon I weighed myself (trying to stay off the scale every day since weight fluctuates daily – limiting myself to no more than every other day). I had to get off the scale and get back on. 7 pounds lost? How? How is it I’m eating like crazy and I lost 7 pounds since Saturday? SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. Ordinarily, I’d be ok losing 7 pounds but at this point I can’t lose anything because the surgeon will think I’m not eating and I’m not taking care of myself and if my lab work matches up with poor nutrition I’m in trouble. I broke my rule and weighed myself this morning…another pound and a half down. Trying to be calm and not be worried. I’m sure tomorrow I will be up a few pounds. I see the doctor in 2 days and I’ve got to get to at least have my nutrition at a good level so my lab tests come back closer to normal than they have been.
I probably would not have weighed myself yesterday except for running into my ex-bf. He looked at me weird, then gave me an awkward hug after which he pulled away from me and stammered out “You’ve…lost weight” but he said it without sounding excited or happy. I knew what he meant; I felt different. He hasn’t hugged me in some time (you know, being an ex and all) but I was meatier the last time that is for certain.
I hate that this year I’ve been completely obsessed by my weight and the issue of keeping it up. All in all, I’ve bounced around but at the end of the day between the day my hip was replaced and today, I’ve lost 41 pounds. That’s not *that* much but at the same time it is. I was comfortable the size I was. Now nothing fits and people who don’t see me regularly bring up the weight loss. I’m ok with people close to me mentioning it but today at the deli (which, I haven’t been there in months) some of the ladies who work there wouldn’t shut up about it. I was nice to them but it makes me sort of hate my body as it is now. I’ve always ‘suffered’ from an abundance of self-esteem no matter what my size was. Now stuff is smaller, my clothes don’t fit and my body doesn’t feel the same. It’s hard to explain I guess. No, it’s not. That’s exactly it. I don’t feel like the old me. And considering my weight was exactly the same for 10 years, I just don’t know how to deal.
The worst part is I feel like a horse’s ass for complaining about it. It moment I gain any of it back, I’ll freak out but most of my friends are on diets and trying to lose weight so…I should STFU.
In other news I had my first visit from the Home Health nurse. She was very nice and I told her she was wasting her time. Honestly, it’s a simple bandage change I can do that. She looked at my wound, everything was clean and nothing looked infected so that’s good. But then I’m on a metric F-ton of antibiotics every day so I should be infection free. She did look at the inflamed skin around the wound from me scratching like a dumbass. I keep waking myself up scratching. Began using Benadryl spray on it and that seems to be keeping the itchiness to a minimum. She suggested I use Vaseline. VASELINE. I looked at her like she had lobsters crawling out of her ears. “The oil in it will lift the tape. Also, it will stick to my clothing and cause stains.” Seriously, I wanted to ask her if she thought about it before she opened her mouth. BUT since she is nice and she was just trying to help so I kept my attitude to myself.
In the end, she changed my dressing and it became apparent the people at the wound center did not prepare me adequately. They started using this dressing to go inside my wound but only gave me a few days worth. The nurse literally came with nothing but gloves. The fuck? I mean, yes I had my own supplies but that’s not how they said it would be. So…now I am out of the special healing stuff. The nurse said they could try to order me some. Uh. Ok? Try? Do I need this shit or not? Now I’m just using some stuff I’d used before on rolls of gauze, shoving it in my wound and praying for the best. Really, that’s all I can do I suppose.
Anyway I kind of feel like the wound center is tired of me and abandoning me and sort of turned me loose. Maybe I have issues…but really that’s sort of how it feels…especially since I only have a few more visits until surgery (unless something changes).
I know at this point as long as I can keep away any infection and get the skin on my hip to heal up then I should be ok. I hope. Ugh.
Ok time to finish eating dinner…which I should add…I left Walgreens after stocking up on more supplies and I was heading home when I realized I needed something for dinner. I sat in the car pouting, I hit the steering wheel a few times, cussed then finally turned my car in the direction to get something from a drive thru. Pathetic. I didn’t do a good job at lunch so I have to eat all I can now. Just really hate the way I feel when I eat. Anyway. The chicken is getting cold and beckoning me…