I don’t know what to say. This has, by far been one of my worst weeks.
Let’s start with pain meds. At my last pain management appointment the doctor wrote the prescription strangely. Normally the patch I used is prescribed in jumps of 25. Well, no one apparently ever prescribes the lowest dose which is 12. I didn’t want to double my prescription so we agreed to go halfsies. He said the only problem was that I’d need to use 2 patches, a 25 and a 12. Ok no problem.
When I dropped the prescription off at the pharmacy I was told it would be a few days before it came in. no biggie, I had 1 patch left which I had to put on that day. They last for 3 days. That meant I needed them filled by Saturday. Well they weren’t done on Saturday. They weren’t done on Monday they weren’t done by Tuesday.
The pharmacist kindly called yesterday and told me they might be in today and I accidentally started crying because I was upset. All the meds were out of my body and I could feel it. For anyone who has ever been through that feeling you know there’s nothing like it in the world.
Last Thursday the risers under the couch had a malfunction (namely I’m a moron who bumped into one while vacuuming and knocked the whole thing off balance). So I went to sit on the couch, fell off and fell awkwardly. Doing that I hurt my back and my bad hip even more and my knee. I had pills to help with the pain but while they work they make me nauseous as can be. It’s like my life is one big cruel joke.
I don’t see the wound clinic until Friday, making it 2 weeks. I can’t really tell much if my hip skin looks much better. I’m too lazy to take a picture. I do know my thigh is starting to get bruised from the tape. When I last left them the idea was to heal up a section that had become irritated by tape so we added 2 gauze pads and that gave my skin healing time. In the process the different areas of my thigh and hip that have been taped are now bruised to hell. Also my doctor told me to start removing the bandage before I shower whereas before I removed the bandages post-shower. Taking the bandages off after a shower made it easier also. Taking tape off dry skin before I shower makes it a more difficult task.
Anyway the bottom line is the pain from bandage changes is worse. I really do not look forward to it. In fact, I hate it. The tops of my thighs are all bruised and it hurts. I’m trying to remain hopeful that Friday they’ll tell me I’m scheduled for surgery next week and everything will be ok but I’m pretty sure since no one has called me from the hospital yet that the insurance has come through to approve my surgeon. I can already tell that I’m going to be leaving the hospital crying.
I know…I know…stop storytelling myself. I could be wrong. But I know I’m not.
And I’ve had a bad stomach ache for days. I have no idea what is causing it. Gut wrenching pain that wakes me at night and makes me double over in pain several times a day. I figure I should be worried about it at some point. But I’m not running a fever and I assume it’s not going to kill me.
This has just been a crappy week. Worrying about surgery, worrying about things with the family, my body adjusting to meds, feeling run down, feeling really super alone. Today I cried all day, I cried while I worked, I cried while I showered, I cried while I tried to eat lunch, I cried while I emptied the dishwasher. One of my co-workers immed me and asked me to call. I called him and while I had stopped crying when I called, I started crying as soon as we started talking. I can’t imagine how I’m going to look him in the face tomorrow. And I’m certain I’ll cry when I go to bed tonight. If I get through this crying thing tonight so tomorrow I’m normal that would be super fantastic.
Ever see the movie Fight Club? I know…the first rule is not to talk about Fight Club but in the beginning when the main character is going to all the support group meetings and he ends up at one for cancer there’s a woman there who stands up and asks if anyone in the group will have sex with her. She is terminal and has no time left and all she really wants is to be touched. She says she has sex toys and videos…and then the meeting leader intervenes. It’s so pathetic and desperate and you feel sorry for her.
The reason I bring it up is because for some reason lately that scene plays over and over in my head. I see the womans face despite not having seen the movie in years. I feel the angst she feels, the humiliation she feels as she brings it up hesitantly. I don’t want to have sex; I could have sex. But it’s just the loneliness that comes with being alone for a while and being sick for a while. I have great friends and family but I just feel like I’m going to implode from loneliness. It’s not even like the energy to date so whatever.
I just want this nightmare to be over. Feels like it’s never going to end and I’m going to be alone and in pain with a gaping leaking expensive wound forever. Oops there start the tears again.