I’m going to keep this brief because I’m tired and I keep thinking I’ll write this when I’m not tired so it sounds cohesive but as it turns out, I’m just going to be tired all the time.
Last Tuesday I saw my hip surgeon, stripped my pants down to my knees so he could look at my hip wound. I was sitting in his office, bored, waiting on whatever horrible thing he was going to say. In my head I battled…be positive…be realistic…be positive…be realistic. Was thankful when he and all of his 6’8” of him walked in to shake my hand, asked me to de-pants and put gloves on.
“I promise not to cry. I know how bad you do with crying women” I said as I unzipped my pants.
“I don’t do that badly. Do I?” He nodded at the box of tissues on the counter. He was at least prepared for me.
He did settle my mind telling me he didn’t think the infection living in my hip would not likely spread systemically and kill me. However, he refused to pinky swear on it. How rude. He touched my thigh, hip and moved fat around and talked about the issues around his current plan.
Currently. His plan is to remove the new hip, put in a spacer for 6-8 months. The spacer has antibiotics in it. And then after my infection is gone once the spacer is gone, then he will put in a new hip.
There were questions I didn’t ask…like how come you’ll keep it in 6-8 months then it could be 2-3 years before I may get a new hip? Il be crippled. My muscles will quickly atrophy. What the hell? Oh and while I have the spacer in I still have to use my PICC line antibiotics.
I’m just so….upset. There’s too many questions. Too many concerns. And people tell me it will be ok…but they don’t know that. They have no idea. THIS was supposed to be ok. Instead I’m being punished by constant pain, an inability to walk properly. And I wake up crying because I have awful dreams at night. I don’t want to do this, I don’t want this to be my life.
Shit, I can’t stop crying.
OH and the best part of the appointment was him telling me I need to lose 100 pounds before he puts the new hip in. I have some info for you doc. I lost a bunch of weight this year because I wasn’t eating or taking care of myself, I was stressed out and upset over the last 2 years and yes, I’ve lost weight. There are no exercises I can do and anyone who had eaten a meal with me knows I barely eat. Waiters in restaurants ask if my food is ok because I generally leave so much food on my plate. I do snack sometimes but in the last year my snacking has been on protein. So I have one surgeon telling me to eat and get in my 120 grams of protein and the other telling me to diet. Fuck em all.
So now since then all I do is obsess about food. About what I should eat, not eat.
The hip surgeon had no real ways to help me lost weird. I can’t walk. I can’t ride a bike. I can’t I CAN’T I CAN’T. There are no excuses, I can’t. End of story. And for what its worth if he saw a picture of me from oh say high school he’s see that my body has been shaped this way forever so if I lose 10 pounds, 7 of that is coming from my chest/shoulders and the other 3 is coming off my hips and ass. So yea.
Anyway January 20, 2014 is my next surgery. At least it gives me some time to build up some leave from work. Every time I think I can’t be more miserable, someone out there proves me wrong. I used to be so much fun, so awesome. And now I’m not. I don’t operate well under these conditions. Guess that’s life, right?